Per My Previous Email
A brief company-wide correspondence between body parts
To: all@corpus.com
From: management@corpus.com
Subject: Update re dismissal
Please note that effective 11/30/2023, both Right and Left Breast have been terminated. While we appreciate the cooperation of both former employees in our mutually-agreed-upon Performance Improvement Plan (which included 6 months of chemotherapy, immunotherapy, and other targeted drugs), management did ultimately have to proceed with the permanent release of both breasts to ensure the healthiest working environment for the rest of our employees.
We, along with all who were happily nourished and nurtured by the decades-long career of both Breasts, wish to thank them for their dedicated service and wish them the best upon their termination.
We also remain grateful for the cooperation and collaboration of all systems during Recovery and wish to note that both physical and emotional healing have proceeded better than expected. Many thanks to all our outside consultants, clients, and supporters for their generosity and encouragement during this challenging transitional period.
To: security@corpus.com
From: management@corpus.com
Subject: Termination
Quick follow-up re recent departure of Right/Left Breasts: please note that both employees were given ample advance notice of their opportunity to seek another opportunity and were escorted off the premises by members of our security team.
Therefore if any items related to their former employment (e.g., breast pumps, nursing bras, ill-advised push-up bra purchases from the early 2000s) are henceforth found on company grounds, these can be permanently discarded.
To: all@corpus.com
From: management@corpus.com
Subject: New employee announcement
Our management wishes to welcome two new employees: Replacement Right and Replacement Left, both of whom have been enthusiastically onboarded and taken their place among our ranks. Please make note that their current offices have moved one level above those formerly occupied by Right and Left Breast.
For future planning purposes: both Replacements will undergo further reconstruction at a yet-undetermined time later in 2024 (likely Q4), but we remain confident that this process will unfold smoothly.
Both Replacements will be welcomed by a pool-side reception during Summer 2024 and look forward to meeting all of you.
To: reproduction@corpus.com
From: management@corpus.com
Subject: Decision
We wish to thank you for your participation and cooperation within our 2023-2024 listening sessions regarding the status of the Reproductive Department. We understand this has been a contentious and emotional process that raised strong opinions, so please know we remain grateful for your patience and commitment to the overall health and future of the department.
After multiple consultations with outside experts, we have decided to address the Genetic Mutation Issue (and frankly, the resulting Ovarian Cancer Risk which has been the elephant in the room) with the following two-steps process:
The Fallopian Tubes will be removed effective 3/15/24. While we appreciate the concerns of several members about the inauspicious date for surgery, the Ides of March were the only available day and time. Therefore we would appreciate that internal references to “Brutus” or “betrayal” (whether in English or Latin) cease immediately.
Given that 75-80% of ovarian cancers start in the fallopian tubes, we remain confident that their removal next week—while not without significant repercussion or recovery period—will allow Ovaries to remain employed with us, albeit for an undetermined amount of time.
Please direct any questions or concerns about the termination of Tubes or the retention of Ovaries to Human Resources.
Again, we wish to thank Tubes for their committed service to our company, especially through the challenging period (no pun intended) of Infertility during 2006-2008. Your strong comeback during the ensuing Era of Regular Cycles was nothing short of miraculous and brought the Reproductive Department unprecedented gains in 2009-2020. May your early retirement allow you to relax and unwind.
To: all@corpus.com
From: management@corpus.com
Re: Clarification
Please note that the removal of Fallopian Tubes and/or the removal of Ovaries is NOT the removal of Uterus. We regret any confusion on this point and wish to clarify, especially as Management continues to hear from a number of outside clients that “they had a hysterectomy too, and it was no big deal; you’ll be fine.”
For future reference: (managers, please post in public area where your direct reports have access)
The removal of Fallopian tubes is technically known as a Salpingectomy. (Please add to company-wide spellcheck.) This is the procedure scheduled for 3/15/24. Recovery time = approximately 4-6 weeks. Management is annoyed by yet another forced sabbatical but plans to follow outside medical advice [from board-certified doctors, not chiropractors on YouTube].
The removal of Ovaries is known as a Oophorectomy. Management remains as flummoxed as everyone else re pronunciation. Please do not Google “premenopausal oophorectomy” as you will be overwhelmed by the number of negative studies indicating the impact of ovary removal on longevity, in particular, heart/lung/bone health. There is, in the words of our CEO, “not a damn thing we can do about that; we have to get them out,” so rest assured we will be dealing with the short- and long-term side effects as they arise.
(Our CEO would also like to note that this whole discussion is undergirded by the fundamental power of female hormones, essential for creating and sustaining human life, and she has thus gone on the record as being officially Tired of Their Cultural and Social Dismissal As Women Being Emotional and Irrational. The whole reason that removing tubes and ovaries along with the uterus during a Hysterectomy is no longer routine medical practice is precisely because the sudden removal of estrogen and progesterone from the ovaries takes a huge toll on the body’s overall health.)
At our most recent meeting with the outside consultants hired by our HMO to address this particular concern, we were encouraged to learn that we might be able to keep Ovaries gainfully employed for 2-7 more years which could potentially buy us more time in our Final Decades. TBD; will update as events warrant.
To: eggs@corpus.com
From: management@corpus.com
Subject: Follow-up
Please note that short-term stays of 9 months will no longer be offered within Uterus, as the site will now be permanently vacated. Apologies for any miscommunication.
To: all@corpus.com
From: management@corpus.com
Subject: Latest developments
Please be advised that at our most recent immunotherapy infusion (3/1), the low red blood cell counts that were first noted on 2/8 have continued. As this should not normally be a side effect of immunotherapy, the recommendation has been to proceed with further (timely) testing to investigate the cause of the issue.
Upper & Lower GI Departments are thereby informed of an impending colonoscopy, date TBD. We understand that this test was recently completed in Feb. 2023 and therefore many (all) employees feel this is an unnecessary development. However, additional outside consultants at Mayo Clinic have endorsed the decision; therefore please prepare for a complete (though temporary) evacuation of the premises, date forthcoming.
Members of the Thoughts-N-Prayers (TNP) Team are encouraged to double-down on their efforts, in the hopes that these blood level concerns might be nothing more than a temporary inconvenience and/or resolvable issue, as Management is frankly fed up and cannot deal with one more thing.
We understand that between the upcoming surgery and the Latest Annoying/Anxiety-Producing Bloodwork Developments, company morale and productivity are running low. In particular, we have heard numerous complaints from Brain and Heart regarding “when are we ever going to be able to get back to work and write our books and support this family and be a functioning non-exhausted human again,” etc.
Rest assured that no one is more concerned/annoyed than Management. Remember that embracing life’s inevitable tensions and accepting mortality while embracing joy and attempting to live in the present moment are now parts of our Company Vision (see latest version adopted 4/2024). So when in doubt, please remember our company motto: There but for the grace of God go I!1
Could I really send the Compassion Brigade an update without a single footnote? Of course not. Apologies to anyone/everyone whom I have confused by the thinly veiled, darkly humorous nature of this latest update. If you want the bare bones translation:
I’m having surgery next Friday (3/15) to remove my Fallopian tubes, since I have a genetic mutation that puts me at higher risk for ovarian cancer. I don’t have to have my ovaries out yet, which is good news since their removal will take a huge toll on me and my long-term health, given my age. I’ll get them out either later this year (with my reconstruction surgery for the more permanent implants) or ideally when I’m closer to 45-50. TBD.
I also have to do a bunch of “stupid” [my interpretation, not a technical medical term] tests now to figure out why my red blood cell counts are running too low when they should not be. Friendly reminder: I don’t need your input or medical advice about iron! I’m already doing all the things, thank you! But I would welcome your prayers because I am highly annoyed about this latest mysterious development. In particular I would love a small but specific prayer that I do not have to get the colonoscopy this Friday as it is my birthday.
Want to hear a funny story to end this rambling update? Friday is also my spouse’s birthday. He was born first and likes to talk a big game about how beautiful the sunrise was that day and I missed it. But because my birth certificate is wrong and says I was born at 4:30 am instead of pm, I am technically older. This is all we talk about on 3/8. Sláinte!
Best thing I’ve read in a while!!! So funny. So real.
Also, I have subscribed to the TNP “Insomnia Prayers” distribution list and added it to my safe senders list so that I don’t miss anything.
Meanwhile on the employee Slack channel:
“@management - way to keep us abreast of the situation! We appreciate the periodic updates!”
“@replacement right and @replacement left: Welcome!! Let us know if you need any support!”
“@blood - we’re counting on you!”
On March 15, 2021, there was a dumpster fire at my husband's office building that was accidentally started by one of his employees. After much huffing and puffing from the higher-ups, it was all health with, but now we honor the dumpster fire every year. My husband builds some sort of tiny dumpster and we light it on fire, along with popsicle sticks with our own personal dumpster fires from the last year written on them. I will add your fallopian tubes to the fire this year, in honor of their retirement on that date.